When behavior feels out of your control
When sexual behavior begins to feel out of your control, it can be frightening and deeply lonely. You may have made promises to yourself that you could not keep. You may feel that your actions are pulling you away from your values, your relationship, or the person you want to be, and yet you find yourself returning to the same patterns even when they cause real pain. If this is your experience, I want to begin by saying that you are not a bad person, you are not beyond help, and change is genuinely possible.
I am Wendy Haggerty, a licensed marriage and family therapist and AASECT-certified sex therapist in Sarasota. I work with people whose sexual behavior has come to feel compulsive or out of alignment with their lives, and I do this work without shame and without judgment. My goal is not to tell you who to be or what your sexuality should look like. It is to help you understand what is driving the behavior and to support you in building a life that feels aligned with your own values.
A word about language
You may have encountered the term sex addiction, and I want to be honest and clear about it. Sex addiction is not a recognized clinical diagnosis, and the addiction framework does not fit everyone or serve everyone well. I find it more accurate and more useful to talk about out-of-control sexual behavior, or behavior that has become compulsive or misaligned with your values. This is not a matter of splitting hairs. The way we understand a struggle shapes how we work with it, and I have found that a non-pathologizing, values-based approach tends to open more doors than a framework built primarily on labels and lifelong disease.
This distinction also matters because shame is often at the very center of this struggle, and heavy, moralizing language tends to feed shame rather than heal it. My approach is designed to reduce shame, because shame, however much it may feel like it should motivate change, usually does the opposite. It drives secrecy, isolation, and the very behaviors a person is trying to move away from.
How out-of-control behavior shows up
Compulsive sexual behavior looks different from person to person. For some it involves patterns that consume more time and energy than they want to give. For some it involves behavior that conflicts with their relationship commitments or their personal ethics, followed by guilt, secrecy, and renewed resolve that does not hold. For some it shows up as a sense of being driven, of reaching for something again and again without ever feeling satisfied, and of using sexual behavior to manage feelings that have nothing to do with sex at all.
What these patterns tend to share is a painful gap between what a person values and how they are actually behaving, along with a sense that willpower alone has not been enough to close that gap. If that gap is familiar to you, please know that it is workable, and that the failure of willpower is not a failure of character. It is a sign that the behavior is serving a purpose we have not yet understood.
What is often underneath
Behavior that feels compulsive is almost always doing a job. Very often it is a way of coping, an attempt to soothe, escape, or numb difficult emotions such as anxiety, loneliness, shame, boredom, or the echoes of old wounds. Understanding what the behavior is trying to accomplish is not an excuse for it. It is the key to changing it, because once we understand the need underneath, we can begin to meet that need in ways that actually align with your life.
Many people who struggle with out-of-control sexual behavior carry histories of trauma, attachment wounds, or long-standing patterns of using something outside themselves to regulate what is happening inside. Others are contending with stress, disconnection in a relationship, or a sense of emptiness they have not known how to name. In our work together we look at all of this with curiosity and compassion rather than condemnation, because a clear and kind understanding is what makes lasting change possible.
How I work with compulsive sexual behavior
My approach is values-based, which means we begin with you: who you want to be, what matters to you, and what kind of life and relationships you want to build. Rather than imposing an external standard of right and wrong, we clarify your own values and then work toward closing the gap between those values and your behavior. This makes change something you are moving toward rather than something you are being forced into, and that difference matters enormously for it to last.
I draw heavily on Internal Family Systems, which offers a compassionate way to understand the different parts at work. There is often a part that reaches for the behavior in an attempt to protect you from pain, and another part that feels ashamed and wants desperately to stop. When these parts are locked in conflict, the result is a cycle of acting out and self-criticism that goes nowhere. By helping these parts understand one another, we reduce the internal war that fuels the behavior and help you access a calmer, wiser center from which real choices become possible.
I also draw on Solution-Focused approaches to build practical strategies and to notice and strengthen the moments when you already act in alignment with your values. Narrative Therapy helps separate you from the problem, so that the behavior becomes something you are working to change rather than a permanent verdict on who you are. When a partner or relationship is involved, I bring in Emotionally Focused Therapy and evidence-based couples work to help with the repair of trust and the rebuilding of honest connection, because these struggles rarely affect only one person.
When a relationship has been affected
Out-of-control sexual behavior often causes real harm within a relationship, including broken trust and deep hurt for a partner. If that is part of your situation, that pain deserves its own care. I can work with you individually on the underlying patterns while also, when appropriate, supporting the couple's work of understanding, accountability, and rebuilding. A partner's pain is never minimized in this work, and neither is your humanity. Both can be held at once.
What working together looks like
Many people arrive for this work carrying dread about being judged, so let me describe plainly what our sessions involve. Our work is a conversation, guided by your goals and grounded in respect. In early sessions I focus on understanding your history, your patterns, and what you most want to be different. There is no interrogation and no lecture. You share at the pace that feels workable, and you are met with steadiness rather than shock no matter what you bring.
From there, our work tends to move along a few threads at once. We clarify your values so that you have a clear sense of what you are moving toward. We get curious about what the behavior has been doing for you, and we begin developing genuine alternatives that meet those underlying needs. We look at the situations, feelings, and triggers that tend to precede the behavior, and we build practical strategies for those moments. And we work steadily on reducing the shame that keeps the cycle turning. This is not a program of rigid rules imposed from outside. It is a collaborative process of understanding yourself well enough that change becomes possible from the inside. Progress is often uneven, with steadier stretches and harder ones, and setbacks are treated as information rather than as proof of failure.
Rebuilding self-trust
One of the quiet casualties of out-of-control behavior is self-trust. When you have repeatedly done something you promised yourself you would not do, it is easy to lose faith in your own word and to conclude that you simply cannot be trusted. Part of our work is rebuilding that trust, gently and realistically. As you begin to understand the patterns and to experience yourself making different choices, even small ones, your confidence in yourself starts to return. That restored self-trust becomes one of the strongest foundations for lasting change, because a person who believes they can change is far better positioned to actually do so.
Confidential, non-shaming, and talk-based
Everything we discuss is confidential, and you will be met with compassion rather than judgment. Our sessions are talk therapy. There is never any physical exam, any undressing, or any touch. This is professional healthcare conversation focused on understanding your experience and helping you build a life aligned with your values. My commitment is to reduce shame, expand your sense of choice, and help you move toward connection, safety, and authenticity.
Sometimes compulsive sexual behavior overlaps with medical or biological factors, or with mental health conditions that benefit from additional care. I coordinate with medical providers and other professionals when that is appropriate, and I am clear that therapy with me supports the emotional and relational dimension of your wellbeing and is not a substitute for medical care.
Change is possible
Many people who have felt trapped in patterns that seemed unbreakable go on to build lives that feel aligned, honest, and connected. The path is not about white-knuckled restraint or endless self-punishment. It is about understanding yourself with enough compassion and clarity that the behavior loses its grip, and about building genuine alternatives that meet the needs the behavior was trying, unsuccessfully, to meet.
If your sexual behavior has come to feel out of control, you do not have to face it in isolation or in shame. I invite you to reach out for a free, confidential consultation. There is no pressure and no obligation. It is simply a chance to share a little about what you are experiencing, to ask your questions, and to see whether working together feels right. In Sarasota we can meet in person at MindSpa Integrative Wellness Center, or we can work together virtually from anywhere in Florida. You deserve to live in alignment with your own values. Live your greatest love story, beginning with integrity and self-compassion.
Related support
If this resonates, you might also explore Pornography Issues, Anxiety & Depression, or Sexual Dysfunction. You can browse all of my services, read more about how I work, find answers on the common questions page, or book a free consultation whenever you feel ready.